Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Chicken Breast Augmentation

Bigger breasts without the down time!

I called these, "Over-Stuffed Chicken Breasts."

I looked in my fridge and said, "What the F**k am I going to do with this random s**t?"

What I found: (What you need)
Chicken breasts, spinach, spaghetti squash, pinto beans, habanero chile rub.
I had already cooked the squash and beans to my liking.
In a bowl:
-Mix/mash beans with squash
-Rip spinach leaves and mix with beans and squash. Set aside.
On a cutting board:
-Rub chicken with chile rub.
-Cut pockets in chicken and stuff mixture in pockets.

Place chicken in your favorite oven-safe cooking dish and add  more mixture on top of each breast.
Cover and bake at 350 for 30 min. Uncover and drizzle a little olive oil on each breast and bake uncovered for and additional 10 or until juices run clear. (You know that, if you that ignunt, you need to get off the blog.)
I love my Le Creuset!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Potatoes Au Gratin Oh! The Cheesy Goodness!

 Mmmmm...70's cookware...

"straight" from my studio kitchen to you! Tried and true. But seriously, how can you go wrong with all that fat?! 

5ish Potatoes (Enough to fill 9x9 casserole)
1/2 Pound Havarti Cheese
1/4 pound Pancetta or Bacon
3/4-1 pint cream
1 tsp nutmeg
2 Tbsp flour
1/4 cup Bread Crumbs
1. Slice potatoes and put into bowl. Toss with nutmeg and cover with cream. (About 3/4 pint) Let sit overnight.
2. Fry pancetta or bacon to desired crispness. Save grease. Dice pancetta.
3. Layer potato slices, pancetta bits and chese in a 9x9 (buttered) casserole dish.
4. Pour left over cream into pancetta pan with left over grease. Constantly stirring on low heat, add 2 Tbsp. flour, one at a time, until roux is smooth. Spoon roux onto potato layers until covered. Pick up casserole dish and gently bang bottom to get roux evenly dispersed throughout the layers. Add more roux if needed/desired. 
5. Cover with foil and bake at 325 for 40 minutes, or until potatoes are tender. Uncover and lightly cover with bread crumbs and bake for another 10 minutes until au gratin is golden bubbly. 
6. Congratulations! You are now the hero of the dinner party!

Thursday, June 23, 2011


Life with Calypso has been quasi drama free lately. Well, ever since 8 am when she needed her medicine. (She is on a massive dose of a LIQUID anti-biotics)

Then, I decide to do a general cleaning of the Feline Ejectamenta Environment...

I cleaned out the box, which was absolutely lovely since she has been on antibiotics since the 13th. Then, I move the box and notice that somehow, even though the box is covered, she has managed to collect a consignment of litter behind the box. Fine, no major damage, it really is just litter. Then I decide to clean the litter mat and the scoop. I take them to the tub, spray them with an carcinogenic cleanser, and start rinsing them with the shower head. I have a shower head on a rope, so I'm on my knees over the tub cleaning these things, mind you. I have some stuck on 'stuf.' So, in a moment of pure genius, I bang the scoop on the tub floor, 2 feet from my face.

-see title-

I had to remain calm. I'm wearing rubber gloves covered in catshit water and holding the shower head . I'm stuck. Its moments like this when I'm very glad I've watched spy shows like Covert Affairs starring Piper Perabo, who is an amazingly bad actress! I calmly finish rinsing the mat and scoop, turn off the water, place the shower head back, take off the gloves, and after the bad guy with a gun breaks into my apartment, I knock him out with a karate CHOP! run down the hall, repel down the elevator shaft, into a safe house and catch a flight back to Langley. All while wearing Christian Louboutin heels.

Monday, January 24, 2011

My Big Fat Gay Success Story

I was so gay in school that the drag queens would gay-bash me. And the cowboys, and the thugs, and the rockers, and the punks, and the jocks, and the cheerleaders when they were with their jock boyfriends...

I had shoes from the Delia's Catalog, shiny shirts from Hot Topic, and a man-purse. (Don't forget the man-purse, girl!) Maybe my saving grace was the 90's themselves. It was the dawn of metro-sexuality, the time of raves, 'alternative' rock, Tragic Kingdom, Chumbawamba, my Frankenstein boots, and glitter...lots and lots of glitter! I was secretly obsessed with what was going on outside of high school. I didn't care what anyone out of the Drama Dept. thought. I knew about gay bars, gay techno, cruising in public parks (not that I did, Mom, it was Albuquerque, after all...) I was going to hit real life and be a star! (Thanks to AOL and my 1200 baud modem connection!) Screw you stupid people who thought life peaked in high school, I was going places!

I was extremely lucky though. I had (and have) an amazing woman as my mother. I knew that no matter what, my mom would love me forever. Its nice having a fag hag as a mother! Granted, I did officially tell her that I was gay two weeks after the Matthew Shepard beating. She kinda freaked out...

I would walk through the halls, well actually it was more like a 'click-swish-click, click-swish-click...anyway, I would saunter through the halls and hear comments about my clothing, being a fag, fairy, pansy, whatever. I was scared! I never knew when I'd have to use my high kick against someone's nose. I just kept my head high and kept walking. I knew that these people were beneath me and I had to get out of high school.

Not that I wasn't suicidal. I tried drinking things that said, 'toxic.' I tried falling down stairs, knives, car accidents...I was always too chicken to actually cause myself any harm.


Thank God I lived long enough to see a baby being brought into this world, long enough to have the opportunity to sail across the Atlantic Ocean, long enough to fall in love, long enough to perform opera, long enough to have friends for more than a decade. But a day/week/month/year/lifetime is NEVER long enough to have lived.

Thank God!

I have failed...cover blown...

I admit it, I was a spy. I have been since the day I was born. Its a family business, so to speak. I've had many assignments, slept in many strange beds, exposed many villains. Its been a glorious life. Yes, I led a glamorous life. But the glamor didn't come without many, many dangers.

We all know the dangers. The possibility is with us every turn of the way. When we wake up, when we scratch our heads, when we eat. We are trained to resist pain. Our skin is thick. We are survivors. This is the story of my survival.

I'd been living with Christopher since 29 June 2010. I was sent to investigate him as a potential terrorist. He has relatives in foreign countries, you see. Estranged relatives...so he claims. The bureau thought I was the best agent for the job.

On the exterior, Christopher seemed like a normal modern American servant. He provided excellent food in adequate China. He scratched me, brushed me, fed me the treats that I liked. I have heard rumors of him serving food to a previously owned dog in Apilco dinnerware from France. I don't know why he didn't extend the same service to me. But, all in all, normal. Or so it seemed.

I'd been observing his preparations for his foreign travels carefully. He is leaving Saturday to Mexico. If my hunch is correct, he will be plotting some world take over with his relatives. A beach vacation, indeed!

And now, just before his departure, I must have let something leak! A fool am I! He captured me, first by luring me with the brush, making me think something nice was going to happen. HA! He threw me into a pool of ICE COLD water and laughed! Yes, comrades, LAUGHED!  He kept pouring water on me and beating me with his fists insisting that I tell my secrets! I DID NOT BREAK! I was brave, comrades, VERY brave. I managed to escape, but not before he tried to smash me with a large cloth! I revealed nothing, NOTHING! Except one thing. He knows now. My cover is blown.

I am retiring from the service. I'm lucky to be alive. Although, I wish I had died, as I have failed you, my comrades. I can no longer live with honor. I'm retiring to a secluded life in a secret location.

I must go now. Danger still lurks around every corner!

Remember me, but, ah, forget my fate.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Lessons by Mother (Dedicated to Scott, after much begging)

Just some of my favorites. How can I put a lifetime of lessons in just one blog?


"Life does not grant us the luxury of hysteria." by way of Grandma

We don't wear shoes for comfort. Then we develop bunions.

Shakespeare was right.

Chaucer was right.

Bronte, Austen and Poe were right.

All of my acting ability.

There are no mistakes in art.

When in doubt, we have children to embarrass others. (The Black Angus gift certificate story)

DMV photos make people vomit.

The mountains bring peace.

Native land is sacred.

Boy Scout trips really do develop character.

Your heart is right.

Your gut is right.

bier am wein ist fein

wein am bier is schwer

WHAN that Aprille with his shoures soote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour

Kling, Glöckchen, klingelingeling, 
kling, Glöckchen, kling. 
Laßt mich ein, ihr Kinder, 
s'ist so kalt der Winter; 
öffnet mir die Türen, 
laßt mich nicht erfrieren! 
Kling, Glöckchen, klingelingeling, 
kling, Glöckchen, kling. 

Buy like a king to last like a pauper. 
The word, "Quasi."


Living in a realistic fantasy is healthy. (See acting ability)

Dogs make the best people.

Cats, well. Cats are cats.

All people are equal, but they don't have to be your friends.




Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Wie sagt Man 'pain' auf Deutsch? Gunnar.

All I remember is seeing the wall coming at me and remembering my stage combat training.
            “Chris! Dude! Are you ok?!” as he runs towards me.
              I landed hard. Everything was dark for a split second. I opened my eyes. Everything was clear. I laughed. I didn’t catch it, but I didn’t have to do push-ups either. Nothing is broken and I don’t bruise, so I’m fine! Just fine! You play hard, you fall hard!
            Just a nice hour hangin on the basketball court at the gym with my buddy. Just two guys playin some guy-games. Fun games. Holding two 20 lbs dumbbells in a plank position then drag-scruntching your body across the gym floor. Oh, wait! Can’t stay there for the rest of your life, go backwards now! Here, bro, grab this 10 lb medicine ball and throw it against the wall and catch it! Its fuckin’ rad, dude! Catch it with your arms, not your stomach! Put the ball down, I’ll race you across the court and back! (Even though his legs are a good toddler length longer than mine)
            We did no lifting today, just played our little, guy-games. Intense (to say the least) yet, seemingly menial activities. Yes, menial (from Gunnar, they are just MEANial.) as in base knave activities that you would have someone beneath you do. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have been reduced to the status of servant. Again. So with this sort of oppression coming at me, I got…umm…competitive…
             After slamming a medicine ball against the ground and catching it before it hits my face 30 times, I was instructed to sprint across the court and back. Again.
             Christopher does his last ball slam, he…oh my god ladies and gentlemen! What is he doing? He just threw the medicine ball at Gunnar’s gut to get a head start. Look at Gunnar’s form, ladies and gentlemen! As if he were expecting it, he grabs the ball and takes off while throwing the ball to the side in one fluid movement! OHHHHHHHHHH! The head start wasn’t enough! Gunnar is quickly gaining! Whoa! What is this? Chris magically turned into a GAZELLE, ladies and gentlemen! A gazelle! Gunnar is getting his stride back, and bam! It’s a tie! Oh my God it’s a tie! This has never happened to Gunnar before!
             Needless to say, Gunnar upped his game. Knowing that at this point he has totally kicked my ass, he now sees me as vulnerable. New game. Our old friend the medicine ball was to be used. With both arms, underhand throw it up in the air. The other person is supposed to catch it after the first bounce. We have to have SOME safety protocols, after all. Oh, and if I let the ball bounce twice, I do 10 push-ups. OH HELL TO THE HELL TO THE HELL TO THE NO! The game starts out pleasantly. We were like Emily and Florence in the park. Two ladies playing ball. ‘Don’t forget to sit down when you piss!’ errrrr….sorry…I digress…this isn’t the British TV show, Little Britain! I figure this game out quickly, as mother didn’t raise a buffoon! The ball gets tossed further and further away. Gunnar stumbles once, gets the ball and throws it across the court. I take off, eye on the ball. Running full speed, I start to notice the wall is coming closer. Maybe I can dive, catch the ball and roll it out. I’m not going to do those fucking push-ups!

All I remember is seeing the wall coming at me and remembering my stage combat training.

            I get the ball alright. As I’m getting into my tuck and roll position, I got it! Right in the ribs. Landing on the medicine ball causes my elbow and knee to slam into the court. But, hey! I missed the wall. By an inch.  This put me in rather good spirits. I don’t have to do push-ups because Gunnar has to do the right thing to avoid lawsuits for the company and end the game! HA! WHO IS VULNERABLE NOW, PUNK!?!

            Some quotes from today’s Gunnar session: “Fuck!” “uhhhhgassssfefwe!” thump thump “ahhhh” splat! “HA!” ----yeah that about sums it up!  

            “Hey, Chris, go get some water, we still have some lunges to do with those dumbbells!”

Body by Gunnar – blood, sweat, tears.